REDMOND, Wash — For decades, iconic hero Kirby, known for being cheerful and innocent, has been depicted in American box art with an aggressive, “hardcore” expression. Long thought to be a sales tactic to harden the pink puff’s image, Nintendo of America revealed this demeanor correctly reflects Kirby’s actual anger at the cost of insulin in the United States.
“We’ve long enjoyed our collaboration with HAL Laboratory and the Super Tuff Pink Puff, but we’ve been uneasy hiding the true reason why Kirby looks so angry,” said Nicole Poirer, spokesperson for Nintendo of America. “Since Nightmare in Dreamland, Kirby has been living with Type-2 Diabetes and is furious with Big Pharma’s insulin price gouging.”
Kirby’s long-time physician, Chemitory, addressed Kirby’s diagnosis.
“Years of Gourmet Races and Dream Buffets caught up with Kirby’s blood sugar levels. Kirby is at the point where insulin is necessary. He’s lucky enough to have insurance to cover those injections with minimal out-of-pocket costs, but the big guy will still have to make some significant lifestyle changes,” Chemitory said. “For all those in Kirby’s position, I recommend to inhale but don’t swallow, and if you absorb a particularly fatty enemy, be sure to spit them out. Supplement the enemy absorption with wearing hats. In terms of diet, stick with curry, sweet potatoes, and Maxim Tomatoes.”
Nintendo of America also released a prepared statement from Kirby himself.
“America is not a dream land. In one of the wealthiest countries in the universe, insulin costs seven times more than anywhere on Planet Popstar, even in the Whispy Woods and Cookie County. Having diabetes is a hardship that doesn’t need to be compounded by a financial burden. This is unethical and dangerous. Eli Lilly is unquestionably worse than King Dedede.”
While many health care advocates are praising Nintendo and Kirby for speaking out on this issue, Nintendo has remained close-lipped on the accusations of colorism for changing Kirby’s pink skin tone white on the cover of Kirby’s Dream Land.