REDMOND, Wash — With their beloved company mascot turning 40 this year, Nintendo has revealed that Mario recently went into his gastroenterologist’s office for his first colonoscopy, and the goomba-stomping protagonist says he’s “never felt-a better” post-procedure, according to reports.
“As the Mario brothers age, we want to ensure that they remain in good health.” said current Nintendo global president and CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “As you may be aware, it is important for all men over the age of 40 to receive a colonoscopy as the risk of colon cancer and other serious illnesses increases. And that includes everyone’s favorite Italian plumbers! They want to spread the message that we should all be getting our ‘pipes’ checked…my apologies for the crude expression.”
While Mario was apparently in a bit of a daze from the anesthesia after waking up from the exam, the results were all clear and his digestive system is in great health, per sources within the UW Medical Center.
“I’m pleased to report that Mario is doing just fine,” Dr. Sheldon, MD told the press. “We found no abnormalities in the digestive tract. He eats a lot of Italian cured meats and cheeses in addition to all of those mushrooms and fire flowers, which makes him pretty gassy from time to time, but hey, farting is good for you, I always say!”
Other company executives, including Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser, offered their reactions to the good news.
“This is so great for business – um, I mean, for Mario, of course.” Bowser said in a statement. “It’s heartening to know that he still has a bright future ahead of him even after all his years of making our company proud. And he’s doing his part to associate us with men’s health, which is just so overlooked usually, you know? It’s a really positive development for Nintendo- uh, for men all across the globe, who will hopefully be inspired to get themselves checked.”
At press time, other famous Nintendo characters from Donkey Kong to Wario were spotted sitting in the GI’s waiting room, while Mario’s brother Luigi was apparently on a heated phone call with his health insurance provider.
