KYOTO, Japan — Newly hired employees at Nintendo reported that they have been placed in a tutorial office so that they can “train and prepare themselves” before entering the actual headquarters.
“I was just hoping to maybe go to an orientation or take a picture for my ID badge and sign some documents, but now this talking racoon is telling me I need to collect five slime eyeballs for him before he will talk to me further,” said new hire Jane Ryu as she tried desperately to fashion a sword from a broken up piece of an old desk. “I don’t even have time to think of the ethical ramifications of Nintendo creating a talking, seemingly sentient anthropomorphic raccoon and trapping it in this office purgatory — I just want to make it to my floor and clock in.”
Nintendo claimed the tutorial office is a vital part of its corporate culture, and that at this time there are no plans to do away with the practice.
“We currently offer no option to skip the tutorial, despite many requests,” said a spokesperson for the company. “The last thing we need are people jumping around the office aimlessly trying to figure out how things work. Before the tutorial, we once had a woman spend a whole afternoon trying to figure out the printer. Can you believe that? This way is much better.”
Not all employees advanced easily from the tutorial office. Some have gone feral, including office manager Carl Sloan, who remained trapped in the office several hours after closing time.
“I can’t figure out who to talk to to move on. Did I miss something?” said Sloan in a tattered suit smeared with dirt, his face covered in war paint fashioned from printer ink. “I collected all the acorns and got the gold key but have been here all morning and still can’t get out. The racoon hasn’t been any help either, he just keeps taking my hard earned slime eyeballs and quite frankly I’m not sure what he has done to deserve them.”
At press time, Nintendo had sent in a rescue team to try and help Sloan out of the tutorial office but the team wound up stuck themselves and could no longer be reached for comment.