KYOTO — Nintendo has filed a patent giving them the exclusive right to the gameplay mechanic of pressing a button that makes a character jump, sources confirmed.
“It’s hard to believe it’s been over forty years since the original Donkey Kong released in arcades!” explained Shigeru Miyamoto in a recent Nintendo Direct. “So much has changed since then! Mario’s had so many adventures, Donkey Kong has gone from villain to hero, and countless other video games have included a jump button without our express permission. That’s why, starting after this Direct, only Nintendo will be legally able to make games where you can jump. All other publishers have six months to ensure their titles are free of patent infringement. Afterwards, the next jump we see out of any of you, you’ll be jumping straight into court.”
Critics have accused Nintendo’s recent patent, officially titled “Method for inputting vertical motion commands for video game,” of stifling creativity, though authorities insist it does just the opposite.
“Patents are important for inventors,” explained the United States’ Acting Commissioner for Patents, Valencia Martin Wallace. “The Founding Fathers even put them in the Constitution, so you know they matter! Yes, all of us in the federal government care so much about what the Constitution says, and … following it.” Wallace finished her cigarette before continuing. “The fact is, if somebody works hard to invent something new, they have the right to protect their intellectual property and keep anyone else from using it. Everyone at Nintendo worked hard to create the first-ever video game with a jump button, Steeplechase, back in 1975,” continued Wallace as she looked through the patent application. “Wait, they didn’t do that one? Well, they worked very hard to fill out the first-ever patent for it, so, you know … sure! Nintendo owns jumping now! Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Do you know anyone who’s hiring?”
Following Nintendo’s announcement, the rest of the video game industry has begun the arduous process of removing jumping from every single title currently on the market.
“I can’t believe it, we just shipped NBA 2K26,” complained 2K President David Ismailer. “And now thanks to Nintendo we’ve got to remove all the jumping from it. And every other game we’ve ever done, that sucks too, but the NBA … it’s basketball. You kind of jump a lot. And now we’re depicting the whole NBA with their feet stuck to the court because every single player legally can’t jump. Still, it could be worse. At least we don’t have to update Civilization VII again. Because we’re not going to.”
T press time, Nintendo’s lwyers clrified tht their ptent lso prohibits using the letter of the lphbet tht is on the jump button.
