REDMOND, Wash. — Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, remained secretive about the company’s follow up to their massively successful Switch platform, insisting that gathered reporters would have to violently murder him before he disclosed any information, sources have confirmed.
“Oh there are things I could tell you, plenty of things,” Bowser said during an impromptu press conference held this morning. “Of course we have a planned follow up to our seven year old hardware that’s been out of date for five of them. Of course we have a plan to stay relevant in a competitive gaming space. But that’s for me to take to my grave unless one of you journalist fucks woke up feeling like a man today. Frankly, one of you bastards will have to kill me.”
“Come on,” he said, as he threw a large knife on the ground near the gathered press. “You can use this if you want. Come get your precious news story.”
Reporters were shocked at the confrontational nature of Bowser, who’s generally exhibited a more favorable tone towards the media in the past.
“Maybe we just asked him about the next Nintendo system one too many times,” said Tom Campbell, a reporter that’s been covering Nintendo for years. “Or maybe he has some other shit going on in his life, I don’t know. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might’ve got some bad news this morning or something, because it is absolutely shocking and out of character the way he spent an hour taunting and provoking us this morning. We expect this kind of thing from Activision, but not Nintendo!”
As of press time, Doug Bowser had cut his hand open using a second knife and used his blood to paint a red “M” on his forehead before again challenging reporters to physical combat in exchange for information regarding a new Nintendo console.