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Nintendo Instinctively Sues to Halt Mario Film’s Production

REDMOND, Wash. — Following the premiere of the latest trailer for The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Nintendo has reflexively sued the producers of the film, sources have confirmed.

“Oops, that’s our bad,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America shortly after withdrawing a hastily issued lawsuit against Universal Pictures. “We just saw a lot of people getting excited about a Nintendo thing online so we assumed it was coming from outside. You’ll have to forgive us, It’s not every day that something we do gets received relatively well. As such we have rescinded our lawsuit against the makers of The Super Mario Bros. Movie and believe we will be able to get most of the principal cast members out of incarceration just as quickly as possible.” 

The move is merely the latest in Nintendo’s long litigious history. 

“I would say this lawsuit was the shittiest thing they’ve done in a while if they hadn’t just canceled the biggest and most popular Smash Bros. tournament,” said local gamer Kelsey McAdams, referencing Nintendo’s abrupt shutdown of the Smash World Tour earlier this week. “Players, advertisers, broadcasters, all just fucked because on a whim Nintendo decided to end a wildly popular tournament. It’s mind boggling how committed they are to alienating their fans. It doesn’t surprise me at all that they had Seth Rogen arrested yesterday before they figured out what they were doing.”   

Lawyers for Nintendo defended their employer’s aggressive tactics, even if they were applied erroneously this time. 

“If this course of action surprises you, you must not be paying attention,” said Richard Foreman, one of several attorneys that briefly worked on the case against the film. “There’s one little thing Nintendo does to stay relevant, and it ain’t releasing hardware that’s up to modern expectations. Nope, it’s suing every man, woman, and child that we think might be so much as even thinking of dressing like Link for Halloween. We won’t ever get them all, but we’ll die trying, god damn it.”

“It’s a weird approach to being an entertainment company,” he added.  “But we remain committed to it.”