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Nintendo Confirms Upcoming Red Switch Represents all the Blood Mario Has Spilled

REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier this week Nintendo announced a new version of its popular Switch console, an OLED model that is painted red to represent all the blood spilled by Mario throughout the years, sources have confirmed.

“Geez, that’s pretty bleak, don’t you think?” asked local gamer Lori Summers. “And even if that’s the truth, did they need to tell us that? I think we would’ve thought it was because of, you know, Mario and all that. His red hat and everything. Or after that we would’ve just assumed it was a sharp looking color. Not that stuff about all the blood that Mario has personally shed. That’s very surprising to me.”

Nintendo executives defended the controversial decision and announcement.

“Let’s face it, games aren’t just for kids anymore,” said Doug Bowser, in a video uploaded to Nintendo’s social media pages following backlash about the morbid hardware. “Children that grew up playing Mario are now hard working adults that are firmly aware of his willingness to kill. Frankly, it’s part of the character’s appeal. While we know this decision won’t be popular with some gamers, we think it will prove popular enough to make it worthwhile. Also, if you say anything bad about it we will sue you.”

The new red OLED Switch Model that represents all of the blood Mario has spilled will be released in conjunction with this October’s Super Mario Bros Wonder. As of press time, Nintendo had also announced a limited edition Green OLED Nintendo Switch, which represents Luigi’s envy of Mario’s career.