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Nintendo Announces Two-Hour Unskippable Zelda Cutscene

TOKYO — Nintendo is partnering with Sony to release a two-hour unskippable Zelda cutscene, sources mashing the start button confirmed.

“Everyone loves that feeling of limitless choice and possibility when you pick up the controller to play the latest Zelda release,” said Nintendo Executive, Akira Murakami. “That’s why we’ve decided to completely get rid of that. Now it’s all cutscene. We think that removing the core mechanic of our chosen art form will open up our franchise to a wider audience.”

Fans of the series were disappointed by this departure from previous entries in the series.

“Who even watches the cutscenes?” asked Zelda fan Sam Barkman. “I always skip them and I don’t see why I have to stop now. I thought video games were about choice. I don’t care about bird people, or fish people, or weird magma troll people. For some reason I do care about the tall lady people. Is this going to be a 100% tall lady cutscene? Because I might be into that.”

Hollywood analyst Peter Hench sees this as huge leap forward for Nintendo as a company.

“Up until the Mario cutscene was released earlier this year, nobody in Hollywood had even heard of Nintendo,” Hench said. “Now, they’re a household name, all thanks to us. I’m glad to see that Nintendo executives are finally taking their business seriously by transitioning into longer cutscenes. Just think, Nintendo may someday have a cutscene as successful as Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within.”

At press time, Nintendo was reportedly considering paid DLC that would allow you to skip straight to the credits.