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Next Call of Duty Game to Star Character Who Enlisted After Playing Too Much CoD

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Treyarch’s upcoming Call of Duty game, set to release in 2024, will cover the Iraq War and, according to close sources within the company, will feature a player character who enlisted in 2004 after playing too much Call of Duty.

Call of Duty has always believed in portraying the realities of war,” claimed Bruce Head, chief writer of the project. “Whether it was the brutality of the Pacific Theater in WW2 or the Rock and Roll Music of Vietnam, we have never shied away from realism. So when we needed a character emblematic of the Iraq War, it was just natural that our player character decided to enlist at 3 a.m. after getting a 20 killstreak at a LAN party in 2003.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the upcoming game will not shy away from the stark difference between the expectations set by games like CoD and the reality of war, as leaked game dialogue from the character, Brayden Kinnill,  has shown.

“Hey fellas, IEDs have objective markers right? No? Are you sure? Huh, I don’t think this is going to go well,” Kinnill says in a leaked cut-scene. “Yo I think I just killed someone for real. Huh. Hopefully this doesn’t ruin my life.”

When pressured about the narrative choices of the game, Head defended Treyarch’s move.

“Shying away from history has never helped anyone. The fact is these events happened, and we feel the best way to honor all involved is an honest retelling of their story,” Head said. “And if that retelling can be jazzed up a little with shiny medals and achievements to rope enough people into doing this all over again, then it’s our duty as Americans to do so.”

At press time, a leak revealed that the upcoming Call of Duty game will be a live service game, with updates until the end of time, in an effort to capture the feeling of America’s real life forever-war.

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