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New Valorant Patch Includes Software to Detect People Who Die On Purpose Just to Grab A Snack

LOS ANGELES – A frustrated Riot Games software engineer has reportedly taken matters into his own hands after his competitive team lost 17-19 in overtime when one member of his team died on purpose to just grab a bag of chips.

“He does it every time, man. He doesn’t even buy a gun. He just runs at the enemies, dies, then two minutes later I hear crunching on voice chat,” says Walter James. “I’m pretty sure he does it on purpose just to piss me off. The last time I said something, he told me that I was just grumpy cause I was hungry.”

However, Mr. James realized that he now had the power to catch his friend in the act after the latest patch.

“It’s a scrumptious piece of programming, actually,” he continues. “The software is designed to detect inactivity, and then it’ll correlate that with any chomping, munching, or slurping sounds on your mic. Teammates can also report it in-game.”

It’s unclear how players will be penalized for what Riot Games refers to as “in-snack-tivity”, but Mr. James is pushing to make sure that people like his teammate are punished severely.

“We ban people for griefing, we time people out for disconnecting. This is basically both of those things combined!”

Though Mr. James insists that the Valorant community will thank him for this new feature, players have had mixed reactions. Mr. James’s teammate, Geoff Bugleman, insists that this feature will make the in-game experience worse.

“Sometimes I get hungie [sic], okay,” said Mr. Bugleman. “It’s not fair that I’m punished for being a hungie [sic] guy!”

Still, Mr. James stands firm in his belief that this new software is a game-changer for competitive players like himself and called Mr. Bugleman a “casual”.

“If you want to snack, play unrated. You gotta dial in to play competitively. And I’m not talking about dialing your local pizza place.”

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