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New Super Nintendo World Area Offers Authentic Mario Experience of Being Beaten to Death By Large Ape

OSAKA, Japan — In an announcement from Nintendo this morning, the game company officially opened a brand new area of the Mario-themed theme park Super Nintendo World in which visitors can have the authentic Mario experience of being beaten to death by a large ape. 

“We’re ecstatic to open this brand new Super Nintendo World pavilion, where finally park attendees can be mauled by a giant gorilla just like their favorite video game plumber,” said Super Nintendo World designer Kim Frembley. “After enjoying a delicious meal at Toad’s Cafe or racing their friends on the Mario Kart track, visitors can queue up to have their face just completely torn off by a gorilla we have trained to hate the sight of human flesh.”

Nintendo World Visitors have already taken to the new Mario pavilion. 

“The park is surprisingly accurate and thorough, all the coins everywhere, the giant warp pipes, the loose ape that ripped my cousin’s arms clean off killing him instantly,” said park attendee Eric Falmheim. “The new ape attraction is really cool, and though it’s crowded right now, if you go at the right time you can skip the line and go straight into the ape’s grappling range. It’s a bit pricey, definitely more expensive than just getting murdered by an ape at home, but hey, I’m on vacation.”

At press time, sources reported Nintendo would be implementing a similar Mario-themed attraction, letting park visitors slowly squish a turtle to death under their boot.