Gamers eagerly awaiting release of the forever-in-development space sim ‘Star Citizen’ will be happy to hear they can now own every ship, mod, and upgrade in the “upcoming” game by purchasing the “Legatus 2953” package, available at the cost of $48,000 and your last shred of dignity.
“You have to be a member of the Chairman’s Club first,” said Mason Foster, a devoted Star Citizen fan in charge of banning anyone from the subreddit who questions the developers. “That means you have to spend over $1,000 before you can even think about buying it, which I have. My grandma died and left me a big inheritance. My wife thinks I should’ve paid off our mortgage or started a college fund for our infant daughter, but this is the surer bet. I’m not worried. She’ll see. When the game comes out and blows everyone away, then she’ll see.”
Despite over a decade of development and $700 million in crowdfunded dollars, Star Citizen has yet to have an actual release date. Oddly, this has not kept Star Citizen from amassing a rather sizable following of loyal fans, eager to defend the game from any and all criticism.
“Our elite space-faring high rollers can experience the ultimate Star Citizen experience by buying this DLC that is priced similar to a mid-sized sedan,” said Chris Roberts, the director of Star Citizen, atop a human-furniture throne of supporters. “Inside the office we call these guys the Space Juggalos. We have a little clown nose honking noise that goes off whenever anyone buys a ship and we just laugh.”
According to reports, the “Legatus 2953” Package DLC cannot be purchased with just a credit card. Customers must also upload a 30 minute video of themselves crawling around on all fours and oinking like the filthy little pay pigs they are.
“Oink, oink,” said Foster, reenacting his video despite his crying wife repeatedly asking him to stop. “Sweeee!”
