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New Patch Breaks Every Aspect of Game Except Store

A brand new update to the FPS looter shooter, Battle Legends: Future War 4 has fundamentally destroyed every one of its functions, aside from the in-game store which remains perfectly intact, multiple sources confirmed.

“Why do we keep putting up with this?” said lifelong gamer, Brooklyn Smith. “It was already dumb to buy a Nicki Minaj skin for a game that will be outdated in 6 months, but now I can’t even use it. The store is a black hole for my money. I just hope they’ll use the money to improve the game so that things like this never happen again. They will do that right?”

Rob Gort, CEO of the publishing company responsible for the game, tried to put a positive spin on things.

“We’re not sure how this happened. We specifically asked our underpaid and overworked developers to make the game work, so you should take your frustrations up with them. Their emails and home addresses are linked in my bio,” said Gort, on his way to the dev office’s torture room.

“Our game may be unplayable right now, but this is a perfect opportunity to scroll through our robust cosmetics shop! Players should really check out all the great appropriately priced items we have there. Even if they don’t, we’ll force them to look at it every time the game loads up! How about a 20 dollar skin of a bald Austin Butler from Dune: Part II? Isn’t that just what you need to level up your game? We seem to think so,” said Gort.

Snoop Dogg, who has a legendary skin available for purchase in game, offered advice to frustrated gamers via social media.

“Please stop playing the game, man. In-game skins are like voodoo dolls, when I get shot in the game it feels like I’m getting shot in real life. I’m begging you,” said Snoop. “Buy the skin obviously, but just uninstall the game right after that. The game wasn’t good when it worked, so what does it matter that it’s broken? I’m bedridden from the pain you’ve inflicted on me.”

At press time, game developers were seen trying to figure out a way to make the game’s item shop appear on screen every time players reload their weapons.

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