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Nation’s Little Brothers Outraged as Microsoft Bans Only Controllers They’re Allowed To Use

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft has announced that they will start blocking third-party Xbox controllers and accessories that they deem as ‘unauthorized’, in a move especially upsetting to the main user base of these third party devices: the nation’s little brothers.

“As a little brother myself, this decision was not easy because I understand the plight that these young gamers go through,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “But as a full-fledged adult, I can afford my own first party controllers now so it’s not really my problem. Fuck them kids, I got mine.”

The decision to ban third party accessories for Xbox has stirred up quite a bit of drama in the gaming community, specifically because it locks out gamers from using controllers their well-meaning uncle gave them for their birthday after a hasty trip to Five Below.

“I’m torn on this. It’s good because without those controllers, my shitheel little brother won’t be able to screw up my rank in Apex,” said Jacob Lewis, an Xbox user and local high schooler. “But on the other hand, if I don’t finish my homework before him he’ll probably just put his grubby little hands all over my controller to play. This might actually be a lose-lose situation.”

Jacob’s little brother, Ryan, used to have a standard first party controller as well, before throwing it through the wall after a particularly stressful day in Stardew Valley, prompting his parents to replace it with a much cheaper MadCatz Super Xbox Controller 720.

“It’s just not fair!” said Ryan, 12. “So I died in the mines one night and accidentally threw my controller through some drywall. Why am I being punished because my parents only let me get a $20 bright orange replacement with LED lights on it? This is a travesty!”

UPDATE: Shortly after this story was originally published, Xbox announced that it was going to block all first party Xbox controllers as well. The announcement was paired with the release of the new Kinect 2, which will be the only way to use your Xbox going forward.