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Mother of Final Boss Reaffirms Vulnerability Is Just a Phase

Ving Thorr the Conqueror, final boss of the overnight roguelike hit Hell’s Kiss: Death Incarnate, had recently gone through a rather public, even blatantly visible, bout of insecurity, until his mother Mary Lou subtly reassured him that his vulnerability was just a temporary phase.

“I’ve just been going through a lot recently,” shared a dejected Ving Thorr after yet another crushing loss at the hands of a brave protagonist. “Ever since I took that promotion to Final Boss, it seems like every time I try to put myself out there, I just get beaten down again and again. I’m punished for just being me. Even when I try to change it up, y’know? Never good enough. Everything feels so cyclical.”

Mary Lou Thorr had shared further insight to the matter as only a mother could.

“Everybody in his position goes through a stage like this, and typically another stage, usually followed by a surprise final one, but it’s been especially rough on my Vingy.” said Thorr in a hushed tone. “The industry’s not like it used to be, the landscape has totally changed. Strategy guides, save states, summoning assists are a daily threat. And what do the bosses of the world have? Giant glowing eyeballs and limbs that leave men like Ving so vulnerable. Emotionally and literally, like he’s wide open to attacks for 15 second intervals. It’s shameful.”

Matthew Rainnie, co-developer and enemy relations manager of Hell’s Kiss, held a more bureaucratic view of the boss position in today’s climate.

“To shoot straight with you, the industry is a joke, it’s no secret,” he said. “Anybody worth their salt is over at Fromsoft just hammering kids day in day out like it’s nothing. These guys should feel lucky to have a job at all. Frankly, that might not even be a reality soon. Based on current projections, we’re looking at replacing them all with AI before the end of the decade. Something that can learn a player’s moves, and doesn’t need things like insurance, dental, or health care. It’s time we really put the computer in ‘computer player’.”

At press time, it was heard that Ving Thorr had stepped down from his position as final boss, and taken a more comfortable position as one of those ambient NPC models that just kind of linger in the background. “It’s definitely a downgrade. Less animations, less polygons, less pay,” he said.  “But hey, I’m happy. I finally feel like I can think outside the hitbox.”