MONSTROPOLIS — Amazon CEO Andy Jassy announced this morning that, following months of tense negotiations, the tech conglomerate will be officially acquiring Monsters, Inc. and switching them back to screams.
“We are thrilled to bring Monsters, Inc. into the Amazon family. But in order to align this brand with our business ethos, we will be immediately transitioning back to scream-based power,” said Jassy in a recent press statement. “Our engineers have assured us that children’s screams are a more cost-efficient method of meeting our energy needs.”
Jassy went on to explain the financial benefits of harnessing screams, while acknowledging the reluctance of some monsters who’ve become accustomed to making children laugh instead.
“It’s been two decades since Monsters, Inc. leadership made the pivot to laughter, but we here at Amazon believe that screams are the future,” said Jassy while admiring the renovated scare floor. “We all love a good laugh, but when the blood-curdling scream of a child yields three times the power output then it’s really a no-brainer.”
Not everyone involved in the merger is thrilled about the decision, as many disgruntled employees of Monsters, Inc. have publicly voiced their opposition.
“Oh man, I just think we’re losing focus,” said maintenance employees Needleman and Smithy as they worked to re-calibrate containers. “It’s all just a way to cut corners since scaring is cheaper. This is exactly why we need a Monsters Union.”
Following the announcement, business insiders have weighed in on the buyout with near universal praise. One of the most supportive voices is none other than founder and former CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos.
“The children must be sacrificed. Their screams will fuel the engines of industry. Long live the new flesh!” said Bezos while boarding his scream-powered Blue Origin flight.
At press time, Amazon has unveiled plans to acquire the Al’s Toy Barn chain of retail stores, where they intend to remove the consciousness from every toy before Black Friday.
