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Mom Confirms Extramarital Affairs with Everyone on Xbox

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — The Call of Duty trolls were telling the truth. My mother has confirmed that she has slept with numerous individuals, across numerous games and matches throughout the years.

Mom revealed the shocking revelation this afternoon in an emergency family meeting.

“Kids, your father just isn’t the gamer I once married. I can’t limit myself to a man who struggles to keep his lifetime K/D up above 0.5,” Mom said, holding back tears. “I need gamers who can hold the lane in Nuketown single-handedly and finish a match with fifty-plus kills. The type of gamer who’s going to put in the work and pull all-nighters. One who values their position on the leaderboard more than in society. Those are the gamers that know how to satisfy a woman.”

Dad stomped out of the room, devastated. We could hear him slam the door from the game room.

“Your father hardly even looks at his Xbox anymore,” Mom said in an attempt to justify her actions. “And it hasn’t been touched in lord knows how long. I can’t stay with him. Real gamers game, they know how to handle a joystick and I’ve met some real gamers recently.”

My siblings and I inquired about our new living arrangements following the divorce.

“I’m taking the Xbox. You kids are more than welcome to stay with your noob father, if it’s what you want,” Mom confirmed. “I only hope that you kids don’t end up like him, not even able to get an even K/D. Whatever you do, please just promise me you’ll always try to play the objective no matter what. If you do then you’ll be just fine. Unlike your father.” 

At press time, I decided to live with Mom and her new lover Paul, known on Xbox as xxxNoScope69xxx, who is a real gamer, unlike my Dad.

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