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Mokujin Skipping ‘Tekken 8’ To Prepare For Fight With Jake Paul

LAS VEGAS — Fan-favorite training dummy Mokujin won’t be appearing in the upcoming Tekken 8, because he’s busy getting primed for a different kind of fight, sources have confirmed. 

“We’ve been training hard and studying harder”, said Biff Gunnar, who will be coaching Mokujin’s opponent, Jake Paul. “We’ve seen all the moveset stealing and techniques, Jake’s even been learning how to do the Korean back wash or whatever the fuck it’s called. And trust me, this clown ain’t ready for Jake’s rage art. I’ll give you a hint; I hope homeboy likes slurs and freestyle rap at 110 decibels.”

The young social media star was spotted practicing against Mokujin in Tekken 7’s training mode, playing as Steve Fox.

“Yeah I ain’t scared, bro. Look at this guy, he’s just a plant. I’ve beat up vegans before,” he told us. When Mokujin began emulating Bryan Fury’s moveset however, he became visibly irritated. “Whatever,” he continued “I don’t care if he starts fighting like a — like a, uh, fuck. I don’t care if he fights like those bitch-ass cops in Arizona, I’m gonna leave his ass crying like he’s one of the many ex-girlfriends who I emotionally abused.”

Wizened Chinese kung-fu master Wang Jinrei seemed less convinced. 

“It is said that when the world teeters on the brink of chaos,” he said, whilst watering an idle Mokujin in a dusty old museum. “Mokujin shall appear. These young Paul brothers are that chaos, and they are not ready for Mokujin. He will simply copy Akuma’s broken-ass moveset and body his pasty ass. White boy going to get folded.”

The fight is scheduled to take place in late 2023, subject to change pending the date of Paul’s fight with Roger Jr. — or the arrival of an even more malevolent, nefarious YouTuber whom Mokujin must deal with.