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Ranking Minecraft’s Wood Types as if It’s Not Obvious That Dark Oak Is #1

Well, here we are. You, drool-covered and slack-jawed thousands of posts deep into a twitter session so deeply uninteresting that it borders on self-harm. Me, metaphorically chained to my radiator begging you to look away while I pass the key that I swallowed. But that’s the deal, isn’t it? I provide you with your content slop and you… I don’t really know what you do.

You’ve played Minecraft, so the upcoming rank order of wood types should be painfully obvious, but we’re still going to do it. If you didn’t already read the title, let me save you time: Dark Oak is #1. Here we go, I guess.

#10: Jungle

Here you go: a spot on the list confirming your already-held belief that Jungle wood is the worst of the bunch. I mean, just look at it: It’s a vomit-inducing orange. Are you happy now? Did you forget about the fast food bags strewn around the floor of your apartment for a moment? Good. Now you can post a screenshot of this to twitter and win an argument with a bot.

#9: Acacia

Can you even pronounce this one? Be serious. Either way, this one sucks and you already knew that and this whole exercise is pointless because it’s so obvious which ones are good and which are bad. Look at that picture – that’s someone trying their hardest to make Acacia work. Kind of like how hard your parents are trying to get you to work. How’s that going?

#8: Birch

Birch is a light-colored wood that only works in pretty rare situations. For the most part, the darker woods have an easier time matching with a wider range of colors. That’s why Dark Oak is going to be #1. You know this. You knew this. Are you happy that your beliefs were confirmed? Does that give you some sense of superiority? Righteousness? What do you even want from me, anymore?

#7: Oak

My psychiatrist called today and they said they’re going to up my dose. A lot of that is honestly your fault. Reckon with that. Sit with it.

#6: Warped Hyphae

Are you even reading these?

#5: Crimson Hyphae

Seriously: what does it matter to you that the red nether wood got placed above the blue one? What value did this provide you, other than confirming what you already know? This stuff is objective. The woods that are higher up get used more effectively than the lower woods. The fact that there’s a compulsion within you so desperate for endorsement should be cause for self-reflection, not reason to rub your Pocky-greased fingers over another screen.

#4: Mangrove

It’s red, but slightly deeper and muted. Therefore, it goes with a lot more blocks and can act as both an accent and a background. There’s a depth to its coloration that isn’t quite present in the previous woods.

#3: Cherry

It’s a great colored off-white in a game with very little opportunity to play with pastels. You… God, you already know this. Comment how much you agree and I won’t read it.

#2: Spruce

You made it. You managed to waste another five minutes of your life. The website’s ranking of woods in Minecraft matches your opinions, so now you feel good. Turn your phone’s flashlight on and point it at your hands. Why is there dirt under your fingernails? You haven’t gone outside in days. Are your pets fed? Is the water bill paid?

#1: Dark Oak

I already told you this was going to happen. You knew this would be here. The fact that you’re reading this is a sign of something deep and sinister within you. A social worker will be at your home shortly.

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