WASHINGTON — Gamers across the country who are sick of their voices not being heard are set to march on Washington to combat whatever it is they’re mad about on the day of the protest radicalized sources have confirmed.
The leader of the protest, 53-year-old Jacob Riggle, who is currently between jobs and in the middle of a divorce claims that this march is the only way to make sure their voices are heard.
“This is a long time coming. For too long our grievances have gone unanswered, even ridiculed,” Riggle said in a livestream from his mother’s house where he is temporarily living. “For too long we have been an afterthought, a sacrifice made to appease the DEI woke agenda but no longer can they ignore us. We will march, be seen, be heard, and they will cave to whatever demands we have that day.”
The current planned goal of the march is to protest the presence of a black character in an upcoming game but Riggle states that the plans are fluid.
“Well, when we originally started planning this march it was to protest Sweet Baby Inc. but then we just kind of moved on, then it was going to be about the censorship of a sexy costume in a game into a slightly less sexy one. That kind of petered out when they announced the next Assassin’s Creed game will star a black samurai so currently that’s what the march will be about—having said that the gaming industry moves very quickly and they are always doing things that personally attack and discriminate against us so who knows.”
Members of the movement have various grievances they feel are real threats to their way of life that are feasible causes to protest the day of the march.
“I saw a post on X recently that showed the current Lara Croft model and they made her look like a man compared to the PS1 model and that’s not the first instance of game devs making manly-looking female characters, it’s clearly part of some gay agenda so that’s what we should be marching against. They’re not gonna brainwash us into being attracted to men, certainly not ones that aren’t even as hot as Joel.”
“This hit list of gaming journos to harass got taken down unjustly so that’s what I think we should be marching about. How dare they come after us like that by not letting us specifically call them out by name and try to dox them,” said a member who wished to remain anonymous to avoid harassment.
At press time, the members of the protest movement have all vowed that should the march be successful they will finally start considering to play some actual video games.
