REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft confirmed plans to acquire the Internal Revenue Service late Tuesday afternoon, describing its move as a tactical response to the IRS’ statement that the Redmond-based technology giant owed $29 billion in back taxes.
“Simple math,” said head of Xbox Phil Spencer, explaining Microsoft’s rationale after insisting the acquisition was his idea. “We owe the IRS $29 billion, but all their assets combined are only worth $29 billion. So why not put our money to work and gobble ’em up? Hey, and who knows? Maybe the IRS could play a villain role in the next mainline Halo game.
President Joe Biden was none too happy about Microsoft poaching the federal government’s revenue service.
“They really got us good this time,” Biden said, shaking his head while burning an incriminating W-2 form live in front of an audience of journalists. “Tax season is going to be crazy come 2024. As is the upcoming slate of Xbox games from what I’ve seen. Hey, you don’t need to do a vision test to play that Forza thing, do you?
During the surprise press conference announcing the news, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella’s excitement was palpable, attending in a homemade Marcus Fenix costume.
“Tim Cook dies tonight,” said Nadella, shortly after announcing that Apple would be the first company to enter a new 95% tax bracket. “Furthermore, all of you are now going to have to file your taxes on Windows devices, with a penalty if said device isn’t a Surface laptop. On the bright side, tax deductions will be available to active Game Pass subscribers. Also, the filing date will move from mid-April to whenever the yearly Microsoft Build event takes place.”
As of press time, Activision CEO Bobby Kotick was seen asking his pet rock why he hadn’t thought of acquiring the IRS first.