REDMOND, Wash. — Following Microsoft’s recent success in closing the deal to purchase Activision Blizzard, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer made a speech concerning Microsoft’s commitment to fans of Activision Blizzard games who don’t play on Xbox.
“We here at Microsoft Gaming believe that these gamers are a part of the Microsoft family. We would never do anything to cut them off from the franchises that they have come to love,” he said, his voice bellowing from atop a corporate balcony as console war troops looked on. “We would like to make a promise to everyone who has come to love Activision Blizzard that these games will continue to be available to everyone, regardless of console, until our private army is fully mobilized.”
According to internal documents this will be the first time that Microsoft has mobilized its private army in over 6 months.
“The Xbox Battalion couldn’t be more excited to take the battle to Sony and Nintendo,” said Lieutenant Colonel Robert Kotick. “I was honestly surprised that Big S – that’s what I call Phil – wanted us to wait this long to mobilize. But that’s Phil, he’s always been a good guy. Paid us well, helped us establish proper supply lines into enemy territory, ensured we never stood trial for our crimes, that sort of thing. I am confident that when the dust settles on this conflict, Phil will do the right thing and pardon any remaining console traitors who might have a copy of Diablo 2 remaining on a hidden Switch Lite or something like that.”
A member of the Redmond, Washington Community spoke about their experiences during the mobilization.
“Honestly it’s just nice to see a good old fashioned American private military. Ever since I was hit with a stray bullet during the Sony extraction of Bungie I have longed to see an American corporation lead a console crusade across this great nation. I believe that having our city feeding, clothing, and homing these soldiers will be an overall net-positive for us and for the gaming community as a whole. I love my new job at the improvised ammunition assembly line, and I am looking forward to spending my weekly payment of Overwatch Coins and Platinum.”
At press time one of our anonymous community sources was detained outside Xbox Games Studios on suspicion of being a “Sony crony.”