PITTSBURGH — Local Super Smash Bros. Melee player Robert Sheely stared in awe and confusion at a nearly fifteen-year-old Zenith CRT TV complete with a built-in VCR that someone left abandoned out on a suburban sidewalk this morning, expressing rage that they would waste such a “prime” piece of outdated technology.
“This thing is in near mint condition! Just a couple scratches on the glass, some moderate sun fading, and there’s hardly any dust caked on to the heat exhaust vents in the back. Only an idiot chucks away a device with no input lag like this hundred-pound, standard-definition beauty,” said Sheely. “Those morons definitely main Marth.”
Manufactured as recently as 2005, the Zenith once represented the state-of-the-art in Cathode Ray Tube and Video Cassette Recording technology, allowing Melee players like Sheely to experience the platform fighting game in stunning 480p analog resolution like never before.
“I’ve got a Trinitron back home, and it’s such a versatile machine. Even if the owners stopped playing GameCube, surely they’d want to keep this thing around for their Sega Dreamcast, Atari 5200 and ColecoVision consoles,” said the 33-year-old gamer, who admittedly did not know if the machine was still functional, or if the toxic concoction of mercury and phosphorus fumes housed in the 27” televisual behemoth had already leaked out.
“Everyone should have a CRT,” he added. “Maybe they got a new one?”
At press time, Sheely was similarly in complete disbelief after discovering a couple of frayed composite input cables someone had thoughtlessly left in their garbage down the road.
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