REDMOND, Wash — Nintendo confirmed online speculation this morning by announcing that Mario’s former stepdad, a man named Lewis, is going to be joining the cast of characters in the latest wave of Mario Kart 8 DLC.
“Lewis was this guy that Mario’s mom was fucking for a while,” said legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto in a surprise Nintendo Direct outlining the popular racing game’s newest content. “They were married for 18 months before he hocked some of Mrs. Mario’s jewelry to bet on a baseball game, so it didn’t last very long. But we think his connection to Mario and his history as a truck driver make him a great addition to the roster!”
While some players were confused about the seemingly brand new addition to the cast of Mario characters, dedicated fans were elated at the inclusion of an oft-forgotten part of his lore.
“A lot of people don’t know this, but Lewis actually was in an early build of Super Mario World as a playable character” said Mario superfan Megan Barnes. “But he wasn’t very athletic compared to Mario and Luigi and he just couldn’t do a lot of the same moves, so they ended up cutting him out.”
“Plus, people didn’t like how he talked to Yoshi,” she added.
As of press time, fans were still speculating as to who would be joining Mario’s stepdad Lewis in the newest addition to Mario Kart 8, with popular candidates including Samus, Petey Piranha, and Mario’s old boss from the pizza place that used to buy beer for him.