MADISON, Wisc. — A local Mario Party game hit a boiling point today as local gamer Luke Cunningham accepted a trade offer to steal a star from his best friend Mark Kelley at the cost of never talking to him again.
“It wasn’t too hard of a decision to make,” said Cunningham, reflecting on the broken relationship with his best friend of 14 years. “Usually the Boo just asks for like 50 coins or something, but this time the pop-up said it would steal a star in exchange for ‘the bond you and the victim share.’ Which felt weird, but I mean, free star.”
It was only after Cunningham accepted the deal that the gravity of the situation was felt, as the lifelong friendship with Kelley changed and they became mortal enemies with a single ‘A’ press.
“I don’t know where this deep feeling of resentment came from, if I’m being honest,” said Kelley, visibly seething with anger. “Normally I’m a pretty chill guy I think, but when Luke took my star it was like some otherworldly force came over me and made me hate his fucking guts. Fuck that guy. That was my fucking star—” he added, and continued ranting for 20 uninterrupted minutes.
Cunningham noted that Mario Party had always exacted harsh prices, offering deals for stars in exchange for ‘your firstborn child’ or a ‘blood sacrifice.’
“One time I clutched out a pretty sick win by accepting a deal for a star in exchange for ‘a couple teeth,’” Kelley said, opening his mouth to show a pair of gaps. “I had to set them on the center of the Gamecube, and after that they kind of just fizzled out of existence. I didn’t care about losing them. I only cared about being the best Mario Party-er at any cost. Stars don’t come easy.”
As of press time, Cunningham had gone missing. He was last seen offering his ‘mortal soul’ for that windmill that gives you three stars in Mario Party 5.
