CHICAGO — Thomas Porter, 42, is flat broke. The IRS has confirmed that despite previously having a comfortable amount in savings, a number of bad investments and a few emergency expenses left Porter on his financial last legs. Porter is really hoping that end of life bonus stars come through for him.
“If I’ve learned anything from playing Mario Party, no matter how well you’re doing by the end of the game the bonus stars can make or break you. It’s not like I blew all my coins at the Item shop on Mushrooms and Iced Coffee. It’s just been a rough game for me and unless I get some crazy bonus stars I know Tonya is going to leave me,” Porter was overheard saying to his financial planner.
Reporters asked Porter’s wife Tonya how this situation has affected the dynamic within the family, and she had this to say.
“I keep telling him even if they really did give out bonus stars, there’s no way he’d get one. Clearly we’re not going to be winning Most Coins otherwise I could afford to get the kids new shoes. Plus to win Most Event Spaces I’m pretty sure you have to get off the couch every now and again.”
Financial planner Jake Bucksworth was asked if he had any alternative plans to save Porter’s finances.
“I haven’t fully given up on trying to save Mr. Porter’s finances before the game ends. He’s only 15 Turns in out of 20. Under my guidance Mr. Porter has already gotten quite a few job interviews. Unfortunately each interview has turned out to be a trap set by Bowser. Despite these setbacks it’s only a matter of time before things turn around. After all, there’s only so many coins Bowser can take. Mr. Porter may have lost his fortune but once he gets a lucky minigame win, his investments will soar.”
At press time, Tonya is braving it on the job market while Porter himself is grinding minigames.
