Have you ever felt like the universe decided to move some stuff around and didn’t want you to notice? Me and the boys were reminiscing about the good old days last week when my buddy pulled out an old Nintendo console and asked if anyone was up for a cruise down memory lane. Unbeknownst to them, Mario Kart 64 was my kingdom and I was its rightful ruler, so when the battle to hold onto the crown presented itself, I didn’t hesitate.
But imagine my horror when upon crossing the finish line in Luigi’s Raceway I discovered that I had placed fifth like some freakin’ jabroni. Is this one of those Mandela Effect things? Because I remember being good at this game.
It was only the second turn in Moo Moo Farms when I began to hyperventilate, far too panicked to try to recall how to reverse after getting stuck below that overpass. How long have those cows been here? And why can’t I seem to keep any of these items behind my kart? One of the guys tried getting in my head, saying I needed to “hold down Z” to hang onto them, but I knew better than to trust someone that willingly plays as Toad. Everyone knows Toad has no redeeming qualities in this game.
After getting absolutely smoked in Koopa Troopa Beach—because apparently there’s a shortcut through the other side of the waterfall?!—I couldn’t help but feel as though I was the only victim of a vast government conspiracy. Years ago, I had friends wanting to go home in tears because I jumped off the big ramp and got the item box with the lightning that turns everyone small forever, like, even during the other races. But now I’m supposed to believe that that item never existed and my friends left because I’d kick them whenever they got a blue shell? Please.
As the countdown started on Kalimari Desert, I could barely hold the controller anymore due to the sweat. But as I sat there wondering why Donkey Kong wasn’t wearing his signature bowtie and suspenders, the stars aligned and I shot past the competition, leaving the boys to eat my dust. Being at the front of the pack again was like rediscovering a younger, happier me, laughing in the early hours of those summer mornings, untethered by the weight of the mistakes and anxieties to come. But of course they all came back to me once some stupid train flew in from out of nowhere. I don’t know why the world decided to do this to me, but I promise I didn’t deserve it.
Wait, that was it? What happened to Yoshi Valley?
