GARY, Ind. — Gary resident Eric Biggins, who goes by the online alias TigBittyEnjoyer69 despite the fact that he has never touched a breast, has cast his vote for “Best Jiggle Physics” for The Real Game Awards, sources confirm.
“The fact that his award show has never had a jiggle physics category should, frankly, invalidate the entire thing,” said Biggins on his podcast, “The Boob Slidercast.” “Keighley doesn’t understand gamers. I mean, he let a video poker game like what my grandma plays on her iPad be nominated for game of the year. What the fuck is a Balatro? More like Wokelatro.”
“The founders of The Real Game Awards understand gamers. It definitely isn’t just a way for them to make money off of the performative outrage they manufacture. They know Real Gamers will pay $30/year, like I did, for the chance to vote on the things they care about, like objectifying women. Just because I’ve never seen a naked woman that wasn’t on my grease-spotted monitor doesn’t mean I should be excluded from voting on how realistically their T&A jiggle in a video game.”
One of the co-founders of The Real Game Awards, Kabrutus, thanked Mr. Biggins for his support and shout out on his podcast in posts on X, The Everything App.
“@TigBittyEnjoyer69 is right! It’s about time award show nominees were taken out of control of people who make videos, write about, and play games for a living, and placed in the hands of people who are willing to pay me and my co-founders $30/year,” Kabrutus said. “Gamers are tired of being preached to and told what to think. That’s why I founded deidetected.com, so gamers don’t have to think at all. They can just look at the list of games I’ve curated and know they shouldn’t waste their money. That’s true freedom.”
Stuttering Craig, another of the new award show’s co-founders, echoed Kabrutus’ sentiments.
“Giving myself and my co-founders money is the only guaranteed way to fight the woke takeover of video games,” said Stuttering Craig. “We’re the only ones who can fix it. Ask your mom for money, cancel a different subscription because they are probably churning out DEI content anyway, sell some plasma, ignore the looks you get at the sperm bank and go back there again. Do whatever you have to do to send us money. You think any of this comes cheap? We need your money to fight wokeness, and we’re the only ones who can stop it. How much clearer can I say it? Give us your fucking money or the woke mob will come to your house and butcher your entire family.”
At press time, Biggins was torn between casting his ballot for Eve(Boobs) and Eve(Ass) on the Real Game Awards website.
