THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Laughing sources have confirmed that despite spending a large sum of money on the latest Samsung Galaxy S Series smartphone, local man Allen Roberts was mocked by his friends for his presumed low income due to his messages in the group chat being green.
Roberts himself is flabbergasted that such an expensive device can illicit this response.
“I don’t really get it,” said Roberts. “My friends constantly say that I must be broke to have such a shitty phone, but I think this is a pretty impressive device. The cameras can zoom 200x and shoot video in 8K. But when I send a picture or video to my friends, they tell me how grainy it is and say it’s time to finally replace this ancient piece of crap. I’m not even allowed to message them in their group chat anymore because it will turn the whole thing green and invite their wrath.”
“On my birthday, my sister sent a video of her kids singing Happy Birthday to my wife instead of me and just wrote ‘Share this with your broke-ass husband so he can watch it.’”
Friends who have corresponded with Roberts claim his use of an Android phone indicates he is experiencing financial hardship.
“I didn’t realize he was having such a hard time with money,” said Roberts’s longtime friend Seth Watson. “Allen is clearly struggling. He wouldn’t be using such a relic to text me if he could afford to replace it. Everybody knows that Android phones are for poor people. When I see that green text bubble, I know the person who sent it to me had no better option.”
Apple spokesperson Bethany Gibbs stated that this is the company’s desired response when their customers receive a text from an Android owner.
“Apple celebrates our customers’ innate desire to abuse anyone that buys a device from one of our competitors,” said Gibbs. “There is nothing more important to us than the sense of elitism that our customers experience when using our products. If they ever stopped believing that their green-texting friends are beneath them, they might notice that the difference in quality between the iPhone and a handset built by Samsung or Google is pretty negligible.”
At press time, Roberts was trying to impress a friend with footage he shot of local skateboarders, but the video was left unopened after being mistaken for an eBaum’s World clip from 2005.
