PEORIA, Ill. — Local gamer Micah Bellwether surprised his friends and family with his secret gaming strategy, which involves specifically timing his playing hours to when Korean children are at school.
“What can I say, I don’t want to just get rinsed in competitive matches all day long,” Bellwether explained. “I realized it was much easier to just figure out when all the South Korean kids are starting their school day, so I can avoid just getting instantly sniped from across the map from someone wearing elaborate cosmetics I didn’t even know existed. Now I’m playing exclusively around 7 p.m., and my competition is all the people who can only squeeze in a few hours after their work day. I have become a God to them.”
Bellwether’s friends said that his gaming strategy has already yielded impressive results.
“I hate having specific restricted gaming hours, but ever since I got on Michah’s schedule all the difficult competition is busy in their Social Studies class,” said Bellwether’s roommate Ryan Hurwitz. “You have to know right when to hop off though, because the moment they get out of school they’re going to hop on and just obliterate you back down to Bronze rank. Also, you have to keep track of the weather in Korea, because if it’s raining they can pop in for a few easy matches against you during their indoor recess time. It’s got a learning curve, but it’s way easier than actually just getting better than them at the game. It’s just Darwinism in action, and the Asian seventh graders are at the top of the food chain. It’s best not to upset the natural order.”
11-year-old Korean child Tae Kim says he prefers online confrontation.
“Bitch,” Kim said. “That’s what I thought. You’re lucky that they take attendance in my homeroom, or else I’d be staying home kicking your ass up and down the competitive ranks all day long. You can run, hide, and cower all you want, but next semester when I get a Study Hall every Friday, you better believe I’m going to be showing you no mercy.”
At press time, sources reported that Bellwether claimed he would be grinding competitive matches in fervid preparation for his ruthless opponent’s upcoming Spring Break week.