Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Now Onto Plan D as Coke Machine With Customizable Flavors out of Damn Near Everything

AMC THEATERS – Matt Simons, 31, was reportedly seen executing Plan D of his original approach to a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine after his previous three ideas for a customized flavor were cut short due to the machine being out of just about everything.

“I promised myself I would never give up, no matter how hard things get,” Simons said as he scrolled through grayed out button after grayed out button of missing flavors. “Purple Vanilla Diet Fanta Zero is basically all that’s left – is that even a real drink?”

Simon’s girlfriend, holding a large popcorn and slushie, said this wasn’t the first time Simons had gone to battle with the machine.

“He spends the whole car ride here telling me about how he’s going to perfect his secret mixture this time – that he finally got the idea right,” she said. “He says if he could bottle his idea it could be a business.”

Simon’s extended stay in front of the machine became a local spectacle, drawing a small crowd who offered advice.

“Get the Diet Limeade Lemonade, better than it sounds,” one man shouted. “Know when you’re beat. Just get water!” another said.

Hank Givens, 54, mall janitor, said it wasn’t the first toe-to-toe combat with the machine he’d witnessed.

“I believe those machines are of the devil,” Givens said. “Satan. Lucifer. Coca-Cola Freestyle. He goes by many names but he is one entity, one beast. That machine offers every flavor besides the forgiving mercy of our savior Jesus Christ.”

As of press time, Simons had reportedly settled on the not-so-exotic “Vanilla Coke” option after even Plan D failed. Reports on the ground indicated the drink tasted watered down and like the machine needed to be cleaned.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!