SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Social worker Jeff Phillips was seen excited downloading Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III (2023)” despite the fact that all of his boys had moved on to this year’s release, sources confirm.
“I’m so glad that the series is on Game Pass now,” said Phillips, who noted that he had been drifting from his friend group because he was the only person who hadn’t purchased the last Call of Duty title last year. “The group chat wouldn’t shut up about Modern Warfare III, and I made some comment about how I wasn’t gonna pay $70 for a game. Everyone jumped down my throat about it, so obviously I had to double down and stick to my guns. It was pretty alienating, but now I can finally have fun with everyone. I may have had to delete all of the old home movies I told my mom I would digitize for her in order to clear the 100 gigabytes I needed to install the game, but soon, it will all be worth it.”
Phillips’ friend Alan Costa was skeptical when he heard the news.
“I love Jeff, but he’s kind of a dumbass,” said Costa. “I don’t mean he’s stupid or anything, he’s just kind of a mess in his personal life. He’s always going to the wrong movie theater or restaurant, and he never seems to get the right version of whatever game we’re playing. Hell, he was the best man at my wedding, which we had to delay for forty-five minutes because he went to the wrong venue. I’d love to play CoD with him, but I’m not expecting a miracle.”
Sociology professor Brendan Narue noted how yearly releases of popular video games have contributed to the epidemic of male loneliness.
“It’s just hard for these young men to form connections when they’re not even sure where the fellas will be,” said Narue. “If a millennial guy suggests that the boys should get back into ‘Diablo,’ that might mean a different thing to every bud who hears it. One might think that they should just log back into ‘Diablo III,’ which they played most recently. Another might interpret the statement as saying they should buy ‘Diablo II: Resurrected,’ which more closely emulates the experience they had when their fraternal bonds were first forming. Unfortunately for them, the dude probably wanted to try out ‘Diablo IV,’ the most recent title in the series. This sort of confusion is ultimately destroying society.”
At press time, Phillips was seen forcing himself to play through the game’s entire campaign so that he could “get a feel for the controls.”
