NEW YORK — 26-year-old law student John Brown was found early today buying a new game while downloading a game that he bought while downloading a new game.
While John sees no issue with his actions, his roommate Marty Morrison is deeply concerned.
“He just sits in his room downloading every day. When one download finishes, he immediately starts another, and then another,” said Morrison. “John is now using his life savings to buy more games. It’s completely insane! I have tried telling him to at least play the tutorial of one before buying another. He just says: ‘One more game Marty and then it will be perfect.’”
John Brown, the aspiring 26-year-old prosecutor, believes he’s on a path to enlightenment.
“First I downloaded Animal Crossing, got bored waiting, and started to download Microsoft Flight Simulator. That started to take a long time to download, so I went from there. After a while I started to notice patterns in the system itself. The game titles and box art started to communicate with me in a way I really can’t explain. They told me that I needed to download the games in a certain order to get closer to the ‘truth’. So I did. I am now in my 500th download this week and the purpose is becoming clearer every second.”
When questioned about the message conveyed by the games, Brown’s demeanor changed, and he started to growl with a demonic voice.
“YOU ARE BOUND TO BE CAST IN THE ETERNAL GREEN FLAME OF INFINITE WISDOM AND YOUR BODIES WILL BE SACRIFICED FOR THE PURPOSE OF BUYING A GAME WHILE WAITING FOR ANOTHER GAME TO DOWNLOAD!”
Doctor Jefferey Sipowicz believes Brown is exhibiting clear signs of ‘Game Download Syndrome’
“Yes, yes absolutely, these are very common symptoms of a man who is suffering from the Game Download Syndrome. What happens is that games take so long to download these days so gamers will browse the store while waiting and make a new purchase. For a select few this activates a part of their brain the same way heroin or crack does and they get locked into a never-ending cycle of buying and downloading new games. These nut jobs can turn into wild beasts in a matter of weeks after the first download.”
At press time, Morrison is in the hospital for injuries suffered after trying to physically stop Brown from buying a new game.
