BOO WOODS — Health and safety officials have ordered the destruction of a local residence after newly-installed devices detected dangerous levels of carbon monoxide gas, woozy sources confirm.
“Frankly, this has been a long time coming,” said Puff Bolete, local building inspector. “What with all the mysterious deaths and well-documented cases of hallucinations that have taken place inside the structure, it was obvious that something was off. I had to have my guys wear rebreathers just so they’d stop passing out as they were installing the detectors. We can’t even narrow it down to a single source or location, since the sensors were getting tripped just about everywhere: the Breaker Room, the Kitchen, that creepy hall with all of the paintings. It’ll be easiest just to tear the whole thing down.”
Some disagreed with the decision to destroy the house, including its most recent occupant.
“No! I must-a get back into that-a mansion!” said Luigi, who was unable to pass the Montreal Cognitive Assessment after spending weeks inside the dangerous building. “My brother is-a in there! He was-a kidnapped by ghosts! I have to freeze-a them with my flashlight, then suck-a them up into a big-a vacuum cleaner! Then I turn-a them into a picture! You’ve got to believe-a me; I won a contest!”
One expert criticized the building inspector’s assessment, saying that he had not given enough consideration to alternative explanations.
“I don’t know what all this hullabaloo is about ‘carbon monoxide,’ said Professor Elvin Gadd. “There’s plenty of other things that could have set off those detectors. My guess is that it was spirits messing with them. Criminy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole health department was actually an illusion created by King Boo himself just to convince everyone that there’s no such thing as ghosts. That would explain why they used those silly rebreathers instead of doing the logical thing and sending clones made out of goo to do their dirty work.”
At press time, local authorities had approved plans to add carbon monoxide detectors to The Last Resort hotel and several buildings in Evershade Valley.
