Somewhere in Europe — Lord Osmund Saddler shocked the biohazard terrorism community today by announcing a halt to his brainwashing scheme, after discovering the existence of magical chickens that lay golden eggs.
Lord Saddler broke the news to a town hall filled with local villagers, cultists, and private military forces. Although a small gathering at first, many late arrivers would soon join, brandishing strange keys, emblems, and sliding puzzles.
“This convoluted plot has been brought to an end,” announced Lord Saddler as he held up a golden egg. “Infecting the daughter of the most powerful man in the world, ransoming her off, and then using her as a Trojan horse to seize power? Absolute insanity. We don’t need Las Plagas to run the world. We’ve got something much more effective. Money.”
The mood amongst the crowd was difficult to judge, though several of the villagers were willing to make their opinions known.
“Business has never been better,” said an unknown individual who would only give ‘Merchant’ as his name. “Forget spending hours tuning up weapons or dragging around attaché cases of slightly increasing size. There’s gold in them chickens.”
Golden eggs have been a rumored sight in the rural region for years. Originally recorded as a part of the village’s founding myth, they were recently discovered to be real after a local resident blew up several chickens while throwing dynamite at a trespasser. Although a mass chicken cull was proposed, this was halted after discovering the chickens could also lay the eggs naturally.
The US Government is not pleased with the area’s newfound wealth especially after the kidnapping of President Graham’s daughter resulted in a single agent being deployed to her rescue. However, according to officials within the State Department, President Graham has begun mobilizing troops for a full invasion.
“We cannot possibly comment on any ‘hypotheticals’ at this time,” explained press secretary Sacha Valley. “What I will say is that every situation demands its own tailored response. Whether it’s sending one operative to rescue the president’s daughter, or sending ten thousand soldiers to reintroduce democracy to these Spanish inbreds, it really does depend.”
At press time, the Umbrella Corporation announced plans to send a team of researchers to study the chickens for scientifically moral purposes.
