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Lonely Man Actually Really Excited for Nintendo Game to Hold His Hand

BATAVIA, Ill. — Despite complaints surrounding some of Nintendo’s first-party releases being too hands-on, one lonely man expressed excitement for such an experience.

“Oooh, I hope they teach me how to make Mario jump,” said lonely gamer Matthew Shane, feigning interest for attention. “I really don’t mind if some of Nintendo’s games take a while to get started. It makes the experience less lonely, if I’m being honest.”

Shane continued to muse on his experiences.

“I saw a lot of people complaining that some of the Zelda tutorials take too long, and I couldn’t disagree more,” explained Shane. “Because once they let me off on my own, it’s kinda like, okay, great. Now I have nobody left to talk to. Well, nobody worth my precious time, that is.”

Developers at Nintendo weren’t surprised to hear that some gamers were finding solace in their over-explanations.

“Our games tend to have a wide demographic ranging from all ages,” said Takashi Tezuka, a lead game designer at Nintendo. “So either children need to have things explained in great detail in order to understand them, or an adult playing, say, Pokémon Sword on a Friday night might just want to have the simplistic turn-based battle system explained in excruciating detail because nobody is texting them.”

At press time, Shane was seen spending way too much time hanging out around the Talking Flower in Super Mario Bros Wonder.