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Litany of Mental Health Problems No Match for Getting High and Playing Minecraft

COLUMBIA, Mo. — A recent mental health study from the University of Missouri found that while the number of reported cases of mental health issues are rising, they can often easily be combated by the practice of getting high and playing Minecraft.

“I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, but when I smoke a bowl and load up my survival world I stop thinking about it entirely,” study participant Reese Cromwell said. “I’ve tried a few different medications in the past, and all have their respective downsides, but getting stoned and trying to build a fun roller coaster in creative mode has no side effects, and doesn’t require any insurance.”

Mental health psychologist Dr. Abigail Milano explained how this recent revelation has affected her practice. 

“I’ve severed my ties with Lexapro and Xanax, and have updated my outgoing prescriptions to reflect what patients now require,” Dr. Milano said. “Whenever someone comes in with mental distress, we start by having them take a gummy and start a cow farm. If that proves ineffective, we are prepared to increase both the potency of marijuana and the amount of mods we install into the java edition of the game.”

Professional Minecraft player EthosLab claimed he has been unshakable for years.

“If my house was burning to the ground while I was creating a redstone contraption, no chance I would notice or even really care,” Etho said. “One time when I was streaming, my house was swatted. I didn’t even budge an inch. They stuck automatic weapons in my face and screamed, but I was only thinking about putting the finishing touches on my enchantment room.”

As of press time, researchers were pleased that this treatment was found to be effective with even the most mentally disturbed group on the planet, League of Legends players.

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