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Link Finally Opens Up About Sex Life: “Hugh! Eyaaugh! Guh-huh!”

HYRULE – Link finally agreed to sit down for a tell-all about his romances across Hyrule prior to the launch of his Audiobook titled “The Legend of Link: The True Story of the Hero of Time.” Below are some of the juiciest secrets from the book:

The book recalls his brief but intense fling with Malon of Lon Lon Ranch. After years of working the farm and blossoming into a young woman, she was getting tired of the doldrum of her day-to-day life. Then came our Hero, someone that she never thought she would see again. According to Link, it was quite the reunion that night.

“Tuh! Huuygh! Yeah!…. Doi! Huuuaaaaaaaaah! Guh-uh!” Even we were a bit hot under the tunic after hearing this. When asked if anything lasting would come out of it, Link sighed before sharing a sad acceptance. “Haaaup.” It seems that running away with Epona afterward was the exact kind of romantic gesture that he could never return from.

When we asked about the princess, we weren’t ready for what we heard next. Princess Ruto of the Zora had apparently fished for the Hero’s favor when she was first awakened as a sage. “Hup! Oouh-oh! Ah… Hiyaah!” he explained. The chamber of Sages sounds like quite a place to experience a spark of magic. Asked whether or not the other Sages were privy to this, he cleared his throat and simply stated “”Guh-huh!”

Link next went on to tell us about his visit to Gerudo Valley. It seems that there exists a streak of sadomasochism in the mysterious Gerudo tribe, known for consisting solely of women. His visit began with his capture and incarceration, though he recounts in the book he enjoyed his time.

“Hugh! Eyaaugh! Guh-huh! Guh-huh! Haah! Hup, hup, hup, hup.” I think we can all agree that would make even the strongest person’s heart counter pulse with excitement. In the end however, he wasn’t allowed to stay with the tribe. In his own words, “Haauygh, huyeah!”

At this point, we were desperate to hear about his relationship with Zelda. However, it seemed that all was not well in the paradise of the Triforce. “Cheugh! Hup! Haaugh! Hyaaagh!” stated the Hero. Shaken after that outburst, he was unable to continue with the topic.

It seems that some juicy details are being kept for the release of his audiobook. Is there something unrequited, or was the forbidden fruit not what he had hoped? We’ll leave you with a quick preview of the audiobook itself:

“Huh, hup! Eeah! Eeeeh! Aaauuuuight! Gyaaugh! Hiyaah!”

Check in next week when we hear Majora’s side of the Hero’s second quest in “Behind the Mask: The Terror of Link.”

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