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Lifelong Mario Kart Player Discovers Brake Mechanic

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — A gamer that’s been enjoying the Mario Kart series since its debut on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1992 recently discovered the game’s braking mechanic, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh wow, no shit,” said Arnold Clancy, after discovering a third button aside from the gas and attack buttons while playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe on the Switch. “You can really do some finesse moves in this game, I had no idea. I always thought the best strategy around a gnarly corner was to just fly into the damn wall and steer out from there. When I saw people gliding around I figured it was just NPC’s with an unfair advantage, but I’ll be damned, I think I can do that shit too!” 

Friends of Clancy’s said they’ve suggested he try applying the brakes to the characters in the game for years, to no avail.

“I tried telling him back when we would play Double Dash in college,” said Sean Moore, a former roommate of Clancy’s. “And he would either say ‘No way,’ or accuse me of trying to sabotage him, or just something skeptic in general. I never even tried to explain the bunny-hop-into-powerslide move. Dude won’t even hit the brakes.” 

Developers of the Mario Kart franchise insist that players really ought to consider using the brakes when they play. 

“We always pride ourselves on creating wonderful games that open up worlds of possibilities and excitement for friends and family alike,” said Yusuke Shiraiwa, director of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. “But for the love of god, why wouldn’t you use the brake? It’s like driving a real vehicle, you’re going to want to slow down once in a while. I really don’t see what the confusion is over this.” 

As of press time, Clancy got a blue shell at the right time and ended up placing in front of his friends before retiring as “all-time Mario Kart champion.”