KYOTO, Japan — Hot on the heels of the positive response to The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, Nintendo confirmed that the game’s latest update will introduce a bold, new, fittingly innovative solution to Joy-Con drift.
“Originally, we added Joy-Con durability as a way to encourage players to experiment with more kinds of Joy-Cons instead of hoarding their favorite ones,” said Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa. “But you have all been such little crybabies about it, and we hear you. We understand it can be expensive. That’s why we at Nintendo are proud to announce a new fix: Our latest patch for Tears of the Kingdom will let you use the Fuse ability to repair your own Joy-Cons, at no additional charge. You just stick whatever else you want to them — and this will activate surprising new effects.”
“For instance, fusing two Joy-Cons together will improve both their durability and their battery life,” he said. Furukawa added that the R&D team has been hard at work, using duct tape and super glue to investigate what other exciting effects they can uncover. “While we want players to experiment and find their own combinations, some possible combos include Joy-Con and Soup Ladle, which provides greater control over your analog sticks if your controller is greasy, as well as Joy-Con and Amiibo, which fixes drift, but specifically for the character you attached.”
Nintendo fans are ecstatic about the new feature.
“This has changed everything,” said popular Zelda speedrunner Max_WindFish. “I just fused my Joy-Con with an Uno ‘reverse’ card, and it fixed my old controller by making the stick drift in the opposite direction. The effects just cancel each other out! Nintendo continues to amaze with how many solutions there are to any potential problem.”
Not everyone has loved the change, however. Max_WindFish’s wife Kate, for instance, had many complaints about her husband’s newfound technological ability.
“On the one hand, I can finally climb Death Mountain without Link strolling off the edge,” said Kate. “But on the other, I don’t have a fucking steering wheel. Max insists that sticking it to the Joy-Con saved us a few bucks on the official Mario Kart controller. This morning, he stuck the whole PlayStation 5 to the Switch. He’s currently playing the game at 99,99,999 FPS, but this is getting insane. If things don’t get better, I’m gonna fuse his ass to a Joy-Con and throw him in the trash.”
At press time, Nintendo also teased a new ability that would let gamers automatically slide through their ceilings into their upstairs neighbors’ apartments, but were working out the legality of it.