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Hello Fresh Announces Zelda Meal Kit That’s Just Four Apples and a Gigantic Slab of Raw Meat

SEATTLE — Meal kit delivery service Hello Fresh revealed a new Legend of Zelda-themed box today containing a bunch of loose apples and a hunk of raw meat. 

“With the launch of The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, we know gamers everywhere need a nutritious diet to get the energy for those late-night dungeon crawls,” said Hello Fresh Head of Marketing Douglas Roberts. “Our Hyrule Adventurers box will make you really feel like you’re out adventuring with Link as you throw a bunch of fruit and meat into a pot and then eat whatever comes out.” 

Each Hello Fresh box comes with pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step instructions, making it easy to know when to hold all the ingredients in your hands and when to throw them all into a burning hot wok before standing around and watching them cook. 

“It’s been so exciting seeing players engage with the cooking mechanics in Tears of the Kingdom and we’re excited for players to utilize their new skills in their real lives,” said Legend of Zelda producer Eiji Aonuma. “I’ve been so impressed with Hello Fresh’s dedication to the source material, and I love giving a little ‘yipee!’ when I’m finished cooking the recipes that arrive at my door. Though, to be honest, I substitute the raw meat with a single bass that still has all the scales and head and bones and stuff on it.”

Hello Fresh also announced a line of additional Zelda-themed snacks that can be added on to any order, including Baked Apples, Roasted Tree Nuts, and several loose lizards with a couple of toenails thrown in. 

“Our meal delivery kits help our customers realize that cooking isn’t as complicated or time-consuming as they think,” said Roberts. “Most people don’t even know that you don’t have to clean out your one big pot between meals! And if you want to add some extra spice to your meal, we always suggest throwing in some rock salt or acorns, to taste. Some stuff makes you glow in the dark!” 

At press time, several reviews of the Zelda Hello Fresh box reported that cooking the ingredients provided only resulted in Dubious Food.