HYRULE — Link’s longtime trusty steed Epona had to be euthanized after getting permanently stuck on a weird rock.
“It all happened so fast,” Link said, staring longingly into a chasm, without even really talking. “I was taking a shortcut through the Eldin Mountains, when I saw a rock just slightly jutting out of the ground ahead of us. I didn’t think it would be any problem, but once we were on top of it, Epona refused to move. She reared up no matter what direction I pushed her. I tried everything, luring her with apples, blowing her off with a giant Korok leaf, attaching a Zonai balloon, nothing worked. She was just stuck there. It’s like there’s some weird issue stopping her from making a simple fucking jump at a slightly awkward angle.”
Talon, the owner of popular horse farm Lon Lon Ranch, spoke out on this all too common issue.
“Unfortunately, we see this kind of thing a lot,” Talon said. “Riders think they can take their horses anywhere. The truth is, horses are freaked out by weird geometry, and they’re especially freaked out by a simple little jump or incline that you think they can easily make. There’s no helping a horse in this situation. The ugly truth is, euthanizing is the best thing for them. There are literally no other options. The easiest way to euthanize a horse is by having them eat a bomb flower. It’s not a pretty sight, but the bokoblins love it.”
Malanya The Horse God also spoke out on the issue after being given a dozen endura carrots.
“FOOLS!!” Malanya yelled from her bulb. “I am cursed to watch my precious children suffer because these idiots ride their horses wherever they see fit. My beautiful babies were never meant to run on awkwardly angled rocks or steep inclines. The next time a horseman comes crawling to me to get their horse unstuck, I shall make them my meal! And as for that swordsman Link, I’ll make sure he never rides one of my four legged angels ever again.”
At press time, Link was last seen in Hyrule Field getting kicked in the face trying to tame a new horse.
