TULSA, OKLAHOMA — In unfortunate news, local gamer Paul White, 27, has revealed that his least racist Call of Duty squadmate Garrett Rolland, 29, is objectively bad at the game.
“He’s a great guy for sure,” said White. “But the man is horrible at Call of Duty. Seriously. I didn’t know it was possible for someone with both hands to suck so bad at a video game. He can’t aim for shit, his callouts make zero sense, and he’s always the first one down.”
It seems White isn’t the only one of Rolland’s squadmates upset at his performance. His other squadmate, Kamal Asad, 30, had words as well.
“Garrett sucks for sure, at least at Call of Duty. As a person I like him a lot. He’s never once made a racist comment or joke towards me. He treats me just like anyone else. But I can handle a little subconscious bias if it means we can get a victory from time to time. I don’t love Paul constantly doing the Apu from Simpsons voice at me, but at least he gets kills. Garrett gets no kills. Non-problematic? Yeah. Non-skilled? Also yeah.”
We reached out to Garrett Rolland for his thoughts on his squadmates and his performance in Call of Duty.
“I love my friends, I’ve known them since middle school,” said Garrett. “But I wish they weren’t so toxic. There’s Paul with his Apu impression, but don’t even get me started on Daryl. I have to just put my controller down for a second and explain to them why those jokes are harmful, and before you know it BAM! I’ve been sniped in the head. I don’t even have a chance to shoot back or anything.”
Hard Drive also reached out to Garrett’s other teammate, Daryl Richards, who goes by PSN tag TRUMPLVR39483. Daryl, however, refused to comment, citing a distrust of the “fake-news woke liberal media.”
“Daryl didn’t game with us on January 6th, 2021,” said Kamal. “Whatever he was doing that day, I don’t make any judgements or assumptions. Anyways he’s easily our best player. Thinks the whole world is run by lizards who want us to eat bugs. Great callouts.”
This tragic news is in keeping with anecdotal evidence that suggests a positive correlation between offensive behavior and obsession with Call of Duty. Though evidence is plentiful, formal studies have yet to be conducted.