PONTIAC, Mich. — A first look at some exclusive new footage from the highly anticipated The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2 reveals that the guy that said he worked for Nintendo was 100 percent lying to me, everyone at the office has confirmed. Damn.
“I fucking told you, Mark,” said Jeremy Kaplowitz, Editor-in-Chief of Hard Drive and the co-creator of The Hamlet Factory, an animated Adult Swim web series. “Why would someone with the email [email protected] email us out of the blue and share leaked Breath of the Wild footage with absolutely nothing to gain? You didn’t give that guy any money, did you?”
The pseudo-trailer started with repurposed footage from previous teasers of the upcoming game, but after 20 seconds the video abruptly cuts to a dog humping a parking cone, in what some viewers first mistook as outside interference from a third party. And, according to sources close to the information, I had, in fact, given the source money.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s a mistake,” said our IT guy. I think his name’s Derek? “It seems like someone just sent you a video of a dog humping a parking cone. I’m not sure why you filed a ticket that said you’d been hacked by the dark web and Al Qaeda. Someone’s just fucking with you, Mark. How do you still work here?”
The footage promised to showcase features both new and old to the beloved Zelda series, with holdovers such as cooking and climbing being included alongside additions like pole vaulting, scrapbooking, and hot dog eating contests.
“Oh yeah see, that should’ve given it away probably,” said Kevin Flynn, editor at Hard Drive, when I asked him what the fuck was happening to me. “Have you played Zelda games before, Mark? None of that new stuff would ever happen. Well, maybe pole vaulting. But nevertheless. Also, looking back over this email exchange you guys had, I’m shocked that you paid him as much as you did. Does Jeremy know about this?”
“Also I think you are really cool,” he may or may not have said, honestly I can’t remember.
While nothing concrete can be taken from the fraudulent video, one thing has been confirmed: anticipation for Breath of the Wild 2 is higher than ever these days.
Also, would everybody please stop fucking with me?
