DAYTON, Ohio – In what can only be deemed a modern-day miracle, a local gamer has confirmed that their Pilotwings SNES cartridge has started blowing back on him.
Retro game vlogger, Dave Dubberman, discovered the cartridge over the weekend while digging through his recent purchases.
“I was trying to get the old hunk of junk to work so I started blowing into it. That’s when I noticed a hissing sound coming from the cartridge,” Dubberman shared in his daily vlog. “I thought the thing was going to blow up but the hissing just kept going. So I held it up to my ear and kept it there for two, maybe three hours. It was calming and the most arousing thing anyone has ever done to me.”
The cartridge, called ‘PW’ by Dubberman, quickly swept the lonely gamer off his feet. Dubberman details the rest of his steamy encounter later in the same vlog.
“PW and I spent the rest of the day just blowing on each other. I blew on every crevice and line of her official Nintendo-approved body,” Dubberman said staring deep into the webcam. “I then stripped down to my unofficial Mother 3 underwear and let PW blow on me for what felt like an eternity and yet at the same didn’t feel long enough. None of the three real women I’ve met come close to PW.”
Like many love stories before it, Dubberman and PW’s tale ended abruptly. After a night to remember, Dubberman awoke to an empty bed and a letter left behind by his cartridge.
“Dave. I will never forget our night together. I haven’t been blown on like that in ages,” Dubberman read aloud, tears running down his face. “I may be an old cartridge, who needs a blow from time to time to work properly, but there’s no amount of blowing that can fix you, Dave. I can blow until my screws come out, but you’ll still be sitting here, in your misery, spending all day making angry posts in r/KotakuinAction. I hope you get the help you need. That new game with the jiggle physics sounds nice. I hope she can give you what I can’t. Don’t come looking for me. Love, PW.”
At press time, eyewitnesses reported Dubberman rummaging through the SNES cartridges at GameSwap, blowing on each one in the hope that they too would blow back.
