ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 8-year old Pokémon fan Isaac Conrad has slipped into a potentially inescapable coma after catching Darkrai in Pokémon Sleep earlier this week, according to sources close to Conrad.
“When I first heard they were releasing a Pokémon game that’d help get me on a proper sleep schedule, I thought it was a perfect way to merge sleeping and fun,” said Nate Conrad, Isaac Conrad’s father. “And honestly, Pokémon Sleep has delivered. These past few nights have been so quiet, I’ve gotten the best sleep I’ve had in a long time! Unfortunately, however, that is because of Isaac’s brutally devastating coma. Oh god, why couldn’t he have just caught a Pikachu?!”
Isaac Conrad is not alone, as reports from around the globe are surfacing that after catching Darkrai, the Pitch-Black Pokémon, players are trapped in a world of unending nightmares from which there is no escape or waking. Friends and family of the players have tried submitting bug reports, but the developers have said that confining players to a nightmare dimension is part of the Pokémon Sleep experience.
“People online have become more and more critical of the development choices we’ve made lately, so with Pokémon Sleep, we wanted to appeal to the hardcore fans of the franchise with a way to improve their health,” said president of The Pokémon Company Tsunekazu Ishihara in a Pokémon Presents earlier this week. “But we also wanted to punish them.”
A roadmap for Pokémon Sleep was also shown during the special Pokémon Presents, announcing that a Gengar with Dream Eater would soon be added, specifically to devour the memories of the trapped players so they turn into lifeless husks of their former selves.
“Ask me one more goddamn time to make a post-game that lets you visit every region. Do you know how fucking hard that would be? Are you insane?!” added Ishihara. “Coma for all of you. I’m sorry, it’s just what has to be done.”
The Pokémon Company and developers Select Button have since promised they would add Cresselia and a Lunar Feather to Pokémon Sleep, and that comatose players can escape the hell of eternal sleep after buying an event pass for $14.99. This pass will be available for 3 hours on an upcoming Pokémon Sleep community day, and then will never be obtainable ever again.