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Job Simulator Refuses to Pay Living Wages

CINCINNATI – The simulated bosses from “Job Simulator” are facing significant backlash after refusing to pay living wages to their employees, reports confirmed. Workers have already started to strike and plan to continue until a deal is reached.

“They’re friggin’ robots for Christ’s sake!” one of the protestors said. “They don’t need to buy stuff like food and water. Hell, I don’t think they even have homes to go to. They do nothing but work 24/7. They sometimes offer us donuts as if it will help me pay off my mortgage.”

Many employees have cited the harsh work conditions they are forced to endure. Another employee who wished to remain anonymous had this to said, “We are forced to stand in our cubicles for 8 hours a day. We brought up this concern months ago, but you don’t know how hard it is to explain pain to someone who has never felt it before,” they added. “We stand around all day, quite literally typing 1s and 0s throughout our shifts. They had the audacity to make me write a thank-you note. Confused, I started typing on my binary keyboard, and suddenly a perfect thank-you note was created. They have to be fucking with us at this point.”

Prior to the strike, employees resorted to protesting within the workplace.

“I refuse to work anymore. I usually just throw paper airplanes and coffee cups at my coworkers until it’s time to go home. I never knew you could use a stapler to shoot staples at people. Friggin’ sweet,” the employee continued. “Last Friday, they had a retirement party and asked me, of all people, to give someone a gift. I said, ‘fuck it,’ and gave the son of a bitch a moldy donut that had been sitting on my desk for the past week.”

At press time, employees were hopeful that a falling stock price in the simulated stock market would cause a change in leadership at the company.

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