JERUSALEM — An updated version of Jesus has been re-released after only three days, but many followers are unhappy with the lack of physical media, sources confirmed.
“Today’s re-release has been an incredible letdown,” said Mary Magdalene, Jesus’s rumored on-again, off-again girlfriend. “I wasn’t even expecting it — I was just on my way down here to anoint His tomb when the ground started shaking and some angel came down from the sky. They rolled away the stone in front of the cave and made an announcement that we’d be getting a Jesus re-release. And I was thrilled, especially after that crucifixion bug really did a number on the last version we had.”
“Instead,” Magdalene continued, “I ran inside, excited to see re-released Jesus, and there was literally nothing in the tomb at all except an old dirty shirt from Turin. I left it in there because I’m not interested in doing any more of Jesus’s laundry. Washing his feet was bad enough. Either way, this sucks. This isn’t a Jesus re-release. This is a joke.”
Jebidiah Jones, recent follower of Jesus, found himself disappointed as well.
“I’d heard a couple of rumors, so I got in line last night near the tomb so I could be first to access the Jesus re-release,” said Jones. “But there’s nothing in there, like, at all. I’m supposed to download this thing with some kind of a prayer, I guess? Or getting water sprinkled on my head? I don’t really know. I also overheard people saying I might have to eat someone’s body, and I’m not into cannibalism.”
God himself clarified that the Holy Spirit was kind of still the same thing as a man.
“This is not difficult to understand,” God said. “It’s called the Holy Trinity, for my sake! Jesus is me, the Father. But he was also himself, the Son. And now he’s been re-released as the Holy Spirit. Look – it’s not something you can see, but He’s there and available to access. You shouldn’t have to be able to touch Jesus to enjoy the re-release. Just have faith that he’s there, give me 10% of your income, and stop asking questions.”
At press time, God was seen lighting a bush on fire to get a human’s attention so they could write up a little explainer on this whole thing.
