LONDON — Noted primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall made things very awkward during a recent Mario Party game when she threw an hours-long tantrum over not getting play as Donkey Kong, other attendees of the failed game night confirmed.
“We were so excited when she invited a bunch of us neighborhood kids over for a round of Mario Party Superstars. It’s not every day you get to play video games with an almost 90-year old legend of zoology. But damn, as soon as Ricky selected DK, she just totally shut down. It was the most passive-aggressive I’ve ever seen someone be,” said 11-year-old Conner Adamson-Davies, as he nursed a Capri Sun amidst his shellshock.
“And then came the insults, my word. You wouldn’t know it from the gentleness of her public persona, but may god have mercy on the next poor soul that makes her play as Peach. I hope you have some thick skin, and a skull that can withstand multiple Mountain Dew cans being chucked at it,” Adamson-Davies went on, trembling visibly.
Dr. Goodall offered a terse comment, from behind the door of the bedroom she ran to after the kids noticed she had started to cry.
“It’s frickin’ bullcrap! I totally called dibs on DK while we were eating our Go-Gurts beforehand, but I guess nobody heard me because all those noobs have so much poop in their brains that it overflowed into their ear canals. I oughta pack up and move back to Gombe where I’m shown at least a shred of respect” said Goodall, as she cracked her ‘Gandhi-King Award for Nonviolence’ over her knee in a huff. “What’s even the point of playing if I have to play as lame-ass Peach? I almost threw the Switch in the game room fish tank after the first round of Bumper Balls. Screw all those kids, for real.”
Fellow British conservationist Sir David Attenborough shared his thoughts on Goodall’s less-than stellar gaming etiquette.
“Oh, it’s a frightful sight. Gives me the shivers just thinking about the last time all we English nature figureheads got together, sampled some brandy, and fired up the old N64 to play a spot of Smash Bros. I made the mistake of selecting the noble neck-tied jungle ape whilst she was off indulging in a tube of that on-the-go yogurt she so enjoys,” said Attenborough, as he stroked the head of a docile vulture on his shoulder. “Try as we might to explain the upsides of playing as Captain Falcon, she made us, as she put it ‘talk to the hand’ until everyone dispersed for the night. She hasn’t spoken to me since.”
At press time, Goodall has chosen to funnel her frustration into her music, and was seen fumbling through the bass guitar tab for the “DK Rap.”
