CLEVELAND — Local man Mitchell Alvarez says he was shocked to discover that “Tony Hawk” is a real person and not just a character from the video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.
“You think you know what the world is like, then one day you wake up and find out that Tony Hawk is a real person,” said Alvarez. “It changes everything. I feel like I’ve got psycho-vision. I mean – who else is real? Is Mario real? Because if Mario’s a real person, I find it very offensive that they used that voice.”
“Next thing you’re going to tell me that Kirby is real, or Pac-man, or Dutch people.”
Sources close to Alvarez reiterated his displeasure.
“Mitchell’s very upset about all of this. He’s been in his room for days screaming about Tony Hawk,” his mother confirmed. “At first, his father and I thought he was saying ‘tiny hawk’, and feared a bird might have gotten inside — but it turned out to be something else. He started to explain what, but we lost interest once we figured out it was a video game thing.”
It’s a befuddling situation, and Mitchell is not alone. His search for truth has inspired others around in his community, like his neighbor Rae Klinger, 27.
“This whole situation has really opened my eyes,” she told us. “I’ve started to question everything, and it turns out ‘Tony Hawk’ is real, but ‘Call Of Duty’ is all bullshit. The Soviets never had an underwater base full of zombies. They didn’t even have washing machines. But it sounds plausible, and this is the problem with being a trusting person in a post-truth world.”
Of course, not all gamers found the nature of Tony Hawk to be quite as elusive.
“I’ve always known who Tony Hawk is,” said 43 year-old Michael Winston. “I also know where he lives and sometimes I watch him while he sleeps. What’s the big deal?”
This is of little comfort to Alvarez, however. For now, he has only questions.
“Is ‘Chad Muska’ a real person? And what about me? Am I real?” he pondered. “The only way to know for sure is if I cut off my hand.”